... the now what

So mommy blogs talk about mommy things and foody blogs talk about foody things. So this is a, I'm-a-work-in-progress-blog, so I'm going to talk about work in progress things.

Today, I want to talk about something I desperately want to get better at... parenting.

Since I can remember o have always wanted to be a mother. In fact, for years I would say I prepared for motherhood. I read books and took classes. I did everything I could to understand what to do and how to do it. Most importantly I wanted to learn about how I could never lose control. (Freak I know)

Then I meet the man of my dreams, who I felt complemented all my weakness. We were a team and madly in love, so we got married and we knew we wanted kids so we didn't wait. We first had my daughter and then two years later her brother came. Things started to change.

They don't teach you in parenting classes about fatigue or hormone shifts. In fact the only thing I knew about postpartum was the sigma it had of being unable to handle being a mom. I knew it was something for crazy ladies but most people were fine right!?

Well, I wasn't must people I was me. I was sick while pregnant, and depressed,  really depressed. It got worse the second time and that mixed with an anxiety attack lead me into my doctors office for help. It came in the form of a pill first it was fluxitine (prozac) then lexipro.

The drugs have helped me a lot, but the help came with a price. You see anti- depressants can effect lots of things, for me is been my weight and my libido. So here we are back to my now. My mr perfect and I have been through hell and back, so that I don't sit in my bed crying, or worst screaming at my kids. But the parent I was dreaming of being, had turned more like the parent of my nightmares.

So yeah, I have felt inadequate as a mother, but that's not the end by a long shot.  In all this, I have realized a few things along this trepidatious journey called motherhood.

I am not a failure because I never give up. A lot of people do, you can see them everywhere, they let life happen to them. They lash out and don't care who they hurt. I might be a C- rate mother but I am never a failure because I am doing the best I am capable of, which is probably completly inadequate, so what? Are my kids happy (must of the time) do I take care of their basic needs (including giving them love when I have none to give) yes! I make mistakes but I'd  like to meet some one who doesn't. It's God who can judge and he and my kids are who really matter.

Control is stupid cause there is no such thing. God laughs when we make plans.  Kudds just scream no and run the other way.

There is a right way to raise children. I'm sorry, but to say the is no one way to raise a child is silly. Love, love is the only way to raise children because it's so hard and scary and changes you so much, love is the only true base of parenting.

Yes there are many different styles of parenting and I know so many people that'd say that you have to, blah blah blah. Well yes, but if blah blah blah makes me feel angry and frustrated then I don't care who testified before Jesus himself,  I need to find my own path, sorry. 

So love needs to be in my heart, and I need to search for a path of teaching where I can be me and they can be them. Love is the best parenting style and the most important.

So anyways I have rambled enough and u have even added any funny pictures so, if no one reads this is okay because I wrote this for me, because I needed to be reminded of what really matters.